If I were dictator

If I were dictator (benevolent, of course) I would immediately outlaw the following bad things:

* Russian characters in movies would no longer be allowed to say the word "situation" in a thick Russian accent ("Seet-uAY-shun"). And can they please drink something other than vodka?

* If a movie scene takes place in France, you're not allowed to show an extra walk past with a long French bagette hanging out of their shopping bag. And enough with the tams. It's France; we get it.

* Sorry, but in action movies, the hero is no longer allowed to say, "I'm going in!" Even if he is going in somewhere.

* Movie scores, especially in romantic comedies, are no longer allowed to insert songs with lyrics that explain every last detail of what's happening between the characters during those bittersweet sequences when no one is talking. I hate that. Just tell the story, Herr Direktor. We're already holding our date's hand, we don't need you to hold it, too.

* In battle sequences, it's impermissible to show two huge groups of soldiers running angrily toward each other, then slamming chaotically into the opposing army. The standard for mega-battle sequences was set in Spartacus 40 years ago. But since then, Braveheart, Troy, Alexander, The Scorpion King and its B-movie imitators, The Patriot, all three Lords of the Ring, Gladiator, The Kingdom of Heaven, etc. have created a big fat cliche out of it. And no more shots of a zillion arrows whistling overhead, m'kay?

* When a character is very angry, or is threatening someone with a gun, he or she may not use the allegedly edgy, hip epithet, "sick f**k." Yawn.

* Movie main characters must immediately cease and desist sounding 10 times more poetic and profound than does the average person when speaking.

* During Mass, the celebrant is not allowed any references to professional sports during his introductory remarks or before the final blessing. Sorry, Father, but "Go Dodgers" is jarring, and the ensuing congregational chuckle doesn't really belong in the Mass.

* Liberals must now find a different word than "inappropriate." It's the law.

* No more invoking Hitler or the Nazi regime in an argument, unless the argument is about World War II.

* If you're disagreeing with someone, you may not begin a sentence with, "studies show" or "if you look at the statistics." We all know you're just grabbing at thin air.

* Unless your opponent actually hates Jews, the term anti-Semitic is no longer available for usage by the public. Also, unless your opponent actually hates Catholics, same goes for the term "anti-Catholic."

* Unless your opponent is actually afraid of homosexuals, he must not be called homophobic.

* Come to think of it, the word homophobic, too, must be replaced since it means "fear of things that are similar."

* The open-minded-sounding dualism "I'm spiritual but not religious" has GOT to go.

* Just so you know, the word is "regardless," not irregardless.

* Any allusions to the Crusades and the Inquisition(s) must be preceded by in-depth study of both historical phenomena.

* Any knee-jerk references to Islam being a religion of peace must first account for, and persuasively defend, the pro-violence passages in the Qu'ran and the blood-drenched history of the spread of Islam.

* The term "pedophile priest" is a thing of the past, since 999 abuse cases out of 1000 have involved gay priests with a penchant for adolescent boys and young men, not for children per se.

* No more bishop bashing if you're not prepared to pray fervently for the object of your bash for one month.

I'll be posting more as they arise. Venting pet peeves is fun, no? I'd like to hear from my loyal but heretofore silent Seize the Dei readers. What would you abolish if you became dictator?