Pathetic FEMA strikes again

While California burns to the ground, FEMA stages a phony press conference to make itself look good. In response, the White House spokeshole only uses the magic word "inappropriate" to describe such lying to the American public.

And no one will be fired. Keep moving along, folks; nothing to see here.

But will the Vatican call his bluff?

Suspended priest Father Larry Craig Msgr. Tommaso Stenico says he'll out top officials at the Vatican.

Hmmm.

If he's really just a straight guy innocently toe-tapping out morse code doing Important Covert Research Into The Nefarious Doings of the Homosexual Network, such a threat is an odd reaction to getting caught.

My Daily News opponent

I should have posted this below.

It's the column by Professor Jonathan Dobrer that ran next to mine in The Daily News, in which he espouses the opposite view of Ann Coulter's comment. Neither of us knew beforehand what the other wrote, of course.

Readers'll make up their own minds.

Flame evasion proceeds apace

The words "involuntary evacuations have begun" bear a unique strangeness. They're not scary per se, since you could evacuate any day for any reason. But they announce a concrete danger, and force you into a mode of readiness even as you deny the urgency.

We heard those words last night as the Canyon Country fire trekked eerily down the super dry hills just to our north. The winds were, and remain, very gusty, and they carry aloft all manner of burning debris, releasing it as far as two miles away to ignite the next hot spot.

My wife and I looked at each other, realizing that we MUST start packing and be prepared to load the girls into the van for evac.

Prioritizing from among all the stuff in your house makes you see what's gold and what's glitter.

Here is why we feel surrounded by a ring of fire.

Welcome, LA Daily News readers

A special hello to readers of The Los Angeles Daily News who may have read this guest op ed piece, which I wrote for today's Sunday issue.

Any time you defend an Ann Coulterism, you know the reaction will be a big fat, "Yesss!" or a bigger, fatter, "You're Hitler!"

Comment box pontiffs, pro and con, are most welcome to weigh in.

Sexual abuse of minors is caused by celibacy, I tell you!

Oh, wait.

Apathy competition

I've been thinking about all the things I don't care about, things about which I burn with apathy, things that, because of non-stop media saturation, I resent even having in my head. Here's a sample:

* Any of Greta Van Susteren's tragedy TV guests: any of the cast of characters connected in any way to Anna Nicole, Larry or Howard; Natalie Holloway's mother; or and defense attorney for any celebrity.

* The entire cast, production crew, daily show topics, and the opinions of the hosts or guests of ABC's The View.

* Any and all celebrity bumps (tabloidese for visible pregnancy).

* What Geraldo Rivera thinks.

* Take a deep breath... BradAngelinaJenniferVincePamelaKidRockTommyNicoleParisTomKatieSuriBrittanyKFed, et al.

* American Idol and all its imitators.

* Survivor and all its imitators.

* Dancing With the Stars and all its future imitators.

What about you? What do you passionately care nothing about?

Jewish Power, Inc.

Does it go without saying that this kind of study, if conducted by certain Gentiles, would risk being construed as anti-Semitic?

How many illegal aliens does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, you racist. First, there is no light bulb problem in this country. Darkness is only darkness to Republicans and racists. Oh wait, they're the same. Second, please call them immigrants, hombre, 'cuz that's what they are.

I always had doubts about the "12 million" figure bandied about by the government.

If the illegals schemed to commit a federal crime to cross the border, lied to their employer, and lied on voter registration forms (where they tilt 99.999% Democrat), then lying to the census rep about how many hermanos y amigos live in the basement is a piece of cake.

Brave New Weird

"Any baby born will be its grandfather's genetic child and a half-brother or half-sister to the man it takes to be its father."

This blending of Onion parody and reality reminds me of an interview given by the late Ruth Graham, wife of evangelist Billy. At one point she said, "If things in the world get much worse, God owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology."

The end is nigh

This says so much about the bizarre underbelly of American pop culture, simultaneously evoking as it does laughter, pity, sadness, and shame: the exploitation by entertainment hucksters; the self-exploitation by the girl; and our willingness to laugh and clap.

If I was a midget, I honestly don't know if watching Mini-Brit would make me laugh or cry. Then again, I'd feel proud that she looked better than the real Brit at the MTV Awards.

Next up: George Clooney urges Brad Pitt to become brain surgeon.

Ah, behold the fallacy of famous people thinking that their fame means their opinions are worth something.

Canada: handbag final destination uncertain, but passengers say, "It's getting kinda hot in here."

This just in, piggybacking on yesterday's Canada vs Religion post.

Father Neuhaus doesn't know it, but he's like my own personal pastor. Except, you know, I don't go to him for Confession and don't put checks in his collection plate. But God bless the man.